Amazing Grace

Tonight, I was up a little later than I normally would be. Well, not necessarily true for a Friday night, but probably later than I should have been. I was just about to head to bed when three different friends who I don't chat with as much as I would like to all messaged me within 10 minutes of each other. I suppose that was as much of a sign I was going to get that I shouldn't crash just yet.... heh.

One of those friends made a comment that's resonating deeply with me, and so I thought I'd just talk to myself here. (After all, my vast and wide readership likely consists of two people as I figure it, both familiar with why this resonates.) The comment was that this friend finds it fascinating how people deal with challenges in their lives.

On some levels, this is almost an obvious and true statement for most people. People do have amazing challenges in life to overcome sometimes, and I have to admit I'm often drawn to their tales as well. Sometimes it's a challenge of health that is overcome... I can think of several current politicians who have stories of coming up from very underprivileged backgrounds... I look to some people who've had success in business and wonder what I can do for myself to get there as well.

But in looking at the challenges people face, particularly with bad luck situations (health or otherwise), I can't say I'm amazed anymore. I know how people do it... I've done it... when you've seen that other side, when you've had your gut wrenched and realize that there is not a damned thing you can do but yet you are still standing, there comes a forced flexibility that helps you roll with the punches. In my case, I don't know that I dealt with the challenges I faced on the level that people who are looking in might wonder how I'm dealing with it. I didn't think about it. I didn't have the time to, the desire to, nor perspective to, I just did what needed to be done. There was little time for dealing, just time for doing.

That's not to say I expect every situation will turn out well. I'm really not all that happy with the outcome of our own personal "major challenge" in many ways. You don't have to look very far for events that have turned out badly for someone (what is they say in journalism, "if it bleeds it leads?"), and there is one story in particular that turns my stomach thinking about how one woman dealt with something going on in her brain. (I don't want to go into details here, I wish I could unread that story in fact... *sigh*) It's horrible, but yet, I can't say I'm amazed.

I wonder, have I touched something in my life that has given me some kind of insight into human capacities that I'm not supposed to have? Or am I just numb still? Why am I not amazed what how dumb some people can be, or how tragic a turn life can take, or even how brilliant some people can be?

I had almost forgotten until I was writing that last paragraph, but years ago a havener (and I'll be damned if I can remember who it was at this moment) called me "nicely jaded." I think that was when Sullivan was still alive, but it's been so long I can't be sure. I remember liking that phrase then, and I may still be "nicely jaded" about some things, but I wonder if a detachment is the same as being jaded. I wonder if I'm detached, or just not surprised. And I wonder if that's not being jaded.

At this point, I wonder if I shouldn't have quit this post before I started it... heh. *sigh*

Slowing down again....

Wow, almost a full month has gone by since my last post at this point. Imagine that. I must be getting old and slowing down or something... heh.

I've actually sat and started typing a few times since the second, but never finished a post. I think, "gosh, this would be cute to post" or something, then my brain would start to drift to something else, and in the end, there's no post. I don't think I'll try for much cute this time, we'll see where that gets me.

Of course, it's new year's eve. Time to reflect on the one hand, look forward on the other. I sit and think that my parents are flying back to Ohio tomorrow, and Beth will be taking them to the airport around 5am. I'm planning to get up when she does so I should see them again this trip, but still it amazes me how short this trip seemed. Of course, it started with a chest pain scare for my dad (which turned out to be nothing, at least nothing the hospital could find after holding him about 40 hours) and was followed by me (and J and X) coming down with obnoxious colds that we're still in the process of recovering from... ah, Christmas. And to think we'd given up our family tradition of going to the ER on Christmas... no, we revived that one this year.

But even if everyone was in good health and good condition, it's still just a little blip. On the one hand I miss being closer to family and I miss seeing people. On the other, even when they're here there's an extent where it's just life as normal. There's not a whole lot that can be said in person that can't be said over the phone... I feel I kind of keep up with my sister-in-law by following her blog... I wonder to an extent where my sense of attachment is going? I've come to realize in some of the trips I've taken for business this year that I do feel very attached to seeing Beth and the kids on regular basis, but beyond that... am I losing my sense of attachment? I enjoy spending time with others in my family and I look forward to seeing them, but most of the time I would be perfectly happy to hole up here with Beth and the kids and just cocoon ourselves up nice and warm.

This past year brought a number of changes... probably more good than bad. Next year I hope will be similarly more good then bad, but I guess we'll just have to see. *sigh* I look back on 2007 sometimes though and say, what, did I blink? Other than switching jobs and moving between cities, the vast majority was still just "getting through the work week" or whatever else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really living my life vs. getting through it... and what am I in a rush to get through it for? Still, how do I get to a point of enjoying it more without putting more pressure on myself now?

I have a couple of resolutions for the new year, but I don't think I'm going to announce them yet while it's still 2007. Wait for 2008. Will it be worth it? Will I announce them here? Will I change my mind in the next hour? We'll just have to wait and see.... heh.

Whatever 2008 brings for me, I hope it brings the best to all of you reading this. Or, is that "both of you?" Hrm. heh.

Another notch in the bedpost....

Another birthday has come and gone; 35 of those particular notches in the bedpost I suppose. It wasn't that bad either; had someone come to help with the kids in the morning (a babysitter we're planning to use next week and wanted Xavi to have a day to warm up to)... played some online play money poker, helped prep dinner... had one of it not my all time favorite meals tonight (Beth's paella/arroz con pollo) and had a friend and his fiance over to share it with us. For a 35th birthday, I suppose it wasn't half bad.

I certainly remember worse birthdays. 2001, my 29th birthday, I remember driving back from the Toledo Hospital and Ronald McDonald House fighting some severe nausea; not entirely sure how I made it home. I think Jillian was in the car with me too... I think I got her to Karen and Ken's house so they could watch her, got home, and then the nausea took over and led to what is the last time I actually remember vomiting. Naturally, I was recovered enough by Monday to get to work, but that weekend SUCKED! Yeah, that was the worst birthday I recall.

And the best? Hrm. I remember I got to drive to my 16th birthday party via learner's permit, but I don't remember much else but that fact. My 21st was a non-event for the most part; I remember telling my roomate on my 22nd that I hadn't gone out for my 21st so he insisted on taking me out for a drink on my 22nd at least to "make up for the last year" or something. Heh... I started making up some for lost time about half way to my 23rd. Ah, good times. But the birthdays themselves in there? Eh.

Maybe today (ok, technically yesterday) was the best birthday I've ever had; if I can't specifcally recall better, who am I to say it wasn't? But yet, since it's based on lack of evidence to the contrary I guess I'll just keep it as "one of my best" for now.

I didn't get much "stuff" this year, but honestly I'm good with that. I had more people make or do things for me than give me things, which was nice. The things I did get were unexpected but perfect for me in their own ways. Maybe I'm becoming less materialistic. It's hard to tell I suppose... but in the end, really, no complaints about my 35th.

Oh, and I'm old enough to run for president now. Mentioned that to my older brother, and he pointed out he was old enough two years ago.... but I reminded him that that means 2008 was the first election either of us could run for. We're "even" in that case.

Then I realized that his being older is no longer an advantage to him like it was for so many years. Not sure why that didn't hit me sooner.... heh.

Ah well. If I'm going to be halfways conscious for the second day of my 35th year I should crash soon. If you have a birthday sometime in the next 365 days, Happy Birthday!

:)

she said, i said....

Lanie said... and I say....


1. minded :: high
2. laundry :: pile
3. it's coming this way! :: something wicked this way comes
4. pinball :: wizard
5. ear :: chronic otitis externa
6. it's good :: Bruce Almighty
7. shiny :: perty
8. Family Cirus :: old cartoons
9. web :: spider
10. musicals :: broadway strike

Now, you take my responses, list your immediate thoughts, and link back to me! Post a comment so I can find your blog!

Ah, the holidays.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and here I sit in a chair I purchased on Black Friday. I got a few other things (I can't list them all because they weren't all for me... ok, even if most were), but nothing Really Big (other than this chair) - I've discovered that unless you want something that's just a total steal in a Black Friday ad, you can safely get there an hour or two after opening, avoid the massive crowds and still get the vast majority of everything you went to get. I got 100% of what I wanted this morning, in fact. Now I just have to fill out the rebate forms.....

But I digress. Holidays are an odd time of year for me now, that's when it really sinks in how far I am from where I grew up. It never used to be a question of where we'd go for Thanksgiving; I'd just tag along with wherever my parents were at. Usually it was their house, occasionally it was at my brother's and I think we had it at our place once or twice, but all three "units" never lived more than an hour away from each other. Heck, once or twice we even all went out for Thanksgiving dinner, but we were still all together.

Now that we're in Florida, Beth's side of the family is around, but spread out over a lot of the state. There was some talk of having Thanksgiving down in Delray at one uncle's house, but that would have been around a 5 hour drive, and even though we were invited to stay overnight it still would have been more time driving than socializing, so we declined and started to make plans for a Thanksgiving with just the four of us. The next day, though, it was determined that a few others weren't going to be there wherever it was and it wound up being hosted at our house; that same uncle/aunt (who also has a house in Cocoa, so it wasn't that much further) and Beth's parents were here for Thanksgiving. And it was nice.

I do miss some of the 'regularity' in which I used to see my side of the family when we lived in Ohio... but having been in Florida for a year and a half now, I realize to some extent what it must have been like for Beth to not see her family for so long. We do see everyone every once in a while, but at the holidays you realize just how much you don't see them as well. Welcome to the modern world of quick, mass transportation and following the paycheck I suppose.

My other standing gripe about Florida; while I generally love Florida winters, December 25th just was no where near cold enough to feel like Christmas last year... and I don't know that it will again. I'm told I'll get used to it by some... others say they never do. I do love the rest of the Florida winters... but I miss the Ohio summer in comparison... ah well.

In the end, I suspect I'll stay at the job I have now; as messed up as some aspects of it are, it pays decently, they like me there and I feel very secure in my position and, frankly, what job isn't messed up in some aspects? I'll finish my Master's degree and job hunt again from there; unless the market in Ohio gets better I doubt I'll move back north at that time, but I may just look in that area to see what I find... who knows?

wheeeee!

I hate to use that subject line in some ways, because I'll feel bad when I re-use it later. Ah well. Such is life.

At any rate, It's been a bit since my last post and frankly, I should be doing homework but don't really feel like it. So why not post a blog? Even if there's not a ton to post about (well, perhaps there is, but, well, anyway), I can always borrow a meme from someone anyway, right? Or even blog about 'crazy words' like "meme" and such. But, in this case, I'll go with the former...


This one is fun... Cut & Paste into new document, Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove the X from the ones you have not, and send it to all your friends, including me. This is for your entire life!

(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Played with a Tonka Truck
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
( ) Crashed a wedding
( ) Crashed a funeral,
( )Gone ice-skating

1. Any nicknames? yes
2. Mother's name? Karen
3. Favorite drink? I'm flexible so long as it involves caffeine
4. Any tattoos? yes
5 Body piercing? Body has enough holes already, thanks.
6. How much do you love your job? Eh, not so much. But I don't hate it either.
7. Favorite vacation spot? wherever it "feels like vacation"
8. Ever been to Africa? Nope
9. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? cookie dough at least, yeah.
10. Ever been on TV? yes
11. Ever steal any traffic signs? no
12. Ever been in a car accident? yes
13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 now, 2 door most of my driving years though
14. Favorite pie? eh. hard to say, like a few but not a big pie guy
15. Favorite Number? 6
16. Favorite movie? who can really pick one favorite?
17. Favorite holiday? My Birthday. (Well, it SHOULD be a national holiday.)
18. Favorite dessert? So many, and so little time....
19. Favorite food? Whatever someone else cooks and doesn't charge me for.
20. Favorite day of the week? Today.
21. Favorite brand of body wash? Um, I'm a guy. I use soap.
22. Favorite toothpaste? whatever's minty and on sale
23. Favorite smell? Man, again, who can pick just one???
24. What do you do to relax? Not nearly enough. :(
25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? Um, yeah. It's a list of odd things that I copied from Lanie's blog. In fact, you're reading it now.
26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? running my own business, working for myself!!!
27. Furthest place you will send this message? The Home Planet.
28. Who will respond the fastest? Will anyone?

The "Kid Conundrum"

Anyone who knows me well knows I make a point to spend what time I can with my kids when I can. I'd be the house husband (OK, is "stay at home dad" a better term these days?) if I could, but the fact I currently have more earning power dictates that I'm the one "bringing home the bacon." I have wound up on some work shifts where I didn't see the kids much during the week and really didn't like that, so lately I've had done what I can with decent success. And I'm happy to say that the kids still enjoy spending time with me when they can; sure, they aren't always playing with me when I'm home, but they do seem to like to when they can. In a normal world, this would make me pretty darned happy.

Of course, those of you that do know me well know I'm also going back to school for a Master's in IT. Yeah, I'm doing it part time so I can have more time with the family, but I still wind up with the odd class (like the one I'm taking now) that just takes more out of me than others. There's a lot of reading for class, and the class is focusing on an aspect of IT I've never really done anything with or cared much about (software engineering), so it's a lot of new material. On top of that, in reading the prof's expectations for the class it's pretty clear he's expecting more out of us than the average prof might. I have a lot of extra research to do as well.

What the heck do these two things have to do with each other? Well, I need to leave for work sometime between 7 and 7:15 to get there on time, which for me means I need to be up around 6. (Jillian gets up for school at 6:30, and I like to be showered and dressed so I can help her get ready if she needs it before I have to go.) Now, I'm not a morning person. Getting up any earlier than that is hardly feasible, so there's not much time for me to study much at night.

The kids are usually in bed sometime between 8 and 9 in the evening. Theoretically, I do have a little bit of time to get stuff done for class in that window, but getting up at 6 I try to be in bed by 10-10:30. (In recent years I've come to understand why it's called "beauty sleep"; life can get really ugly if I don't get enough sleep.) Therefore, I try not to have any caffeine after work, or at the latest not after dinner, and by the time 8:30 rolls around I'm really not at my best usually.

So, at some point on this schedule I need to try to get work done with the kids being up and awake. This is where their affection for me becomes a liability.... Xavi in particular doesn't understand that I need to work when I'm at home sometimes. Jillian will often forget, and even days that Xavi seems to understand it won't be that long before he comes rushing in excited about something. I am, at best, less than productive when trying to get stuff done when they're up.

I am looking at two possible options at work schedule wise.... with that Saturday rotation they've started, I could just volunteer to be "the Saturday guy" and have Mondays off work, so I'd have at least one week day with Jillian at school and where hopefully Xavi would be more distracted... but, fact of the matter is if he's here, he's here and is still a liability. There has been some talk of the benefit of having me go to a 10am-7pm type shift at work too, which would make the commute easier and allow me to stay up later in the evenings, but at the expense of time with the kids. (I'd see Xavi in the morning still before work, but I'd just see Jillian a lot less.) Hence the conundrum. Do I go with what would be best to get the school work done (as well give more time with Beth without the kids, as well as time to get other things done I want to such as more certs and such) or do I keep the time with the kids and continue trying to scrape together study time?

The 10a-7pm schedule may be put on me temporarily for the duration of a project anyway, perhaps I'll just try it out and see how it works. If I get enough done in the evenings, perhaps I can reserve more time to catch up with Jillian on the weekends. Perhaps I'm sweating it too much; some parents don't even get that much of a chance to spend time with their kids. Still.... I'm not just 'some parent', I like to think.

*sigh*